I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
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I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
PLOT TWIST:
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Always…
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.