(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
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nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you