Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
You Might Also Like
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
knights of the ikea table
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes