Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
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I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
He’s cranky this morning
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.