When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
You Might Also Like
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
wtf is a larm clock?
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?