Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
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Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
scares
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day