Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
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This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.