No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
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There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Nothing.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
No way!
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.