Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
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I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Lmao 🤣
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]