When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
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To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Eggs benadryl my favourite
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
me after eating Cheetos
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”