(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
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*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Awesome parenting 😂
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
lol
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”