Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
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[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Tier 3 meme
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000