*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
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If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
I thought this was funny lol
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”