Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
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An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
I just ran a .003048K
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
[eulogy]
line?
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake