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I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Natural selection at its finest
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us