My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
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me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Please do it!
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Story of my life…..
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*