I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
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Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
BETRAYAL
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking