*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼