I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
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My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Chemical wingman
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter