Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
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Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Attacked by a mop.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?