Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
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*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
excuse me
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed