King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
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Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.