I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
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sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools