TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
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normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
They must have gotten it to go.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Body by Oreos
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS