Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
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[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.