While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
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When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
new record!
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]