[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
You Might Also Like
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
We’ve come full circle
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
the greatest twitter interaction
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one