*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
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I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I can also cook 😂
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”