let’s play a round of hopscotch πβ π»ππΌ
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living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: Howβs he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
When she told me, βYouβre best to try and get out in front of it,β I didnβt realize she was referring to a large truckβ¦
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Girlfriend: Why canβt you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You havenβt changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasnβt a compliment, Diane
Friend: Iβm worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes π
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. π
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill βyou need to pound it between each leg split.β
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, βThatβs my parole officer.β