*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
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Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Breaking news:
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”