Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
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I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
This took me a second..
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.