Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
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Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.