if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
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[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
This is my brand.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*