I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
You Might Also Like
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
next question.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
What?!?
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background