“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
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Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks