Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
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Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn