The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
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They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂