Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
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(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Lmao
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Name this drama.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.