Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
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doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
My guardian angel deserves a raise
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”