Basically.
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“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.