I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
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One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
black phone good
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.