A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
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*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”