How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
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Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
no such thing as a dumb question
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*