me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
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Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Yup!
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Owl Sanctuary
Have kids, they said
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up