Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
You Might Also Like
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans