Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
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her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Salad is the decaf of food.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven