You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
You Might Also Like
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
I bet
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.