Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
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We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
My daily affirmation
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Nice try, poison.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are