I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
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A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)