My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
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sigh
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.